I have been having this problem lately, where I have a lot of thoughts whirring inside my head, but I am too scared to say them, or maybe even too scared to think them, because I know they are going to take me to some new, exciting place, that is going to totally FUCK UP MY BRAIN.

I feel extraordinarily inadequate next to you. You are a complexity of nerves. Is it not enough that I understand you, when no one can? It's not fair that you are some kind of under appreciated and unpolished diamond, while I am just some random daisy. Daisies are nice, but really, who cares about them?

Can't I just stay in the same spot I always have been? It feels like no matter how much I progress, nothing is satisfying; I am just going around in circles. I find that people who are much older than me face the same questions as I do; only they have had it staring at them for their whole lifetime and they can't solve it. Some are smart though, they don't solve it, they just tolerate it. If the point of this pointless life is to be happy, then why don't we all just be ignorant instead of just trying to be great superheroes? Do we think that we are goig to be showered with glory or some fancy shit like that? Even superheroes make mistakes.

What is the meaning of being brave? When I asked my friend today, she said it was 'doing something you are afraid of doing'. Really? really? I mean, I used to think that. How do you teach a child what is bravery? We point at lions and say that they are brave. We point at firefighters and say that they are brave.And I guess they are. I was watching this movie about an FBI agent, who would risk his life to save a woman he barely knew, but wouldn't be willing to do the same for somebody he loved.

In the movie A Time to Kill, a white lawyer takes on a case to defend a black man convicted for murder ( he killed the two white men who raped his daughter). The lawyer decides to take on the case because he thinks that he is doing the right thing, you know, heroically fighting the racism and that, but then he realises he's doing it because he would have done the same if anyone took away the innocence of his ten year old daughter.The lawyer then receives death threats from the town's Klu Klux Klan, to drop the case or else they will hurt his family and friends. His secretary's husband gets beaten to death ( I think) and his secretary later says to him:
' I know you didn't want any of this to happen, but it happened all the same. You wagered all our lives on this. You just went ahead and did what you felt you had to do, no matter what the cost. Some folks think that's brave. Not me, Jake. Now, you may win, but I think we've all lost here.'

Last night, I watched this Chinese movie set in the mid eighties, about two girls in a really really backward country town. One of the girls was really headstrong and thought marriage was a stupid affair, while the other one didn't like the thought of marrying, because the husbands were abusive, but she would do it anyway, because she needed to support her family. So anyway, the first girl, she gets married, because her mother and her brother force her to, but her husband tries to rape her and she basically knocks him out. She then goes back to her home and her mother tells her off for not allowing her husband to have sex with her; the mother didn't want her daughter to give the family a bad name and be known as the family who didn't teach their daughter manners and bring shame to the family and also, they have accepted 5000 dollars from the other family already. The girl tries to convince herself that its her duty to bear this, but it doesn't work, she has a alot of self respect and so forth so she demands a divorce, even though she has to hand back the 5000 dollars, which doesnt belong to her, it belongs to the family. Her friend was luckier, she married a good man; her husband praised the first girl for being brave enough to defy customs and that. I know this is a bit of an extreme situation, but was it brave to stand up for her own beliefs, even though it was thought to be wrong? Or should she have just borne her weight and done her duty? Doing you duty is also a big task, especially if your family was poor too! Why does no one give them credit for that?

Duty drives some to insanity.